It would’ve been a strange thought to have, say, 10 years ago, but lately, it’s all we can think about: It’s weird that there hasn’t been A Muppet Avengers yet, right? Like, Disney has the rights to both properties. The MCU is in a tailspin, and life has proven, time and again, that the only thing guaranteed to make most pre-established stories better is replacing the majority of the main characters with Muppet stand-ins. Who dropped the ball on this one? Also, why hasn’t there been A Muppet Star Wars? Never mind, we’ll circle back to that one.
For now, let’s focus on the Muppet Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MMCU, and everything that it could be. We’ll start with the first Avengers movie, but know that we’ve got Uncle Deadly as Ultron in our pocket for the follow-up.
Nick Fury: Sam the Eagle
The obvious first choice for Sam the Eagle is Captain America, but it’s a little too on the nose/felt beak ridge. Putting him in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t just keep Nick Fury being played by guys named Sam, it also gives the writers a chance to take advantage of Jackson’s intensity, and the inherent goofiness of that intensity when anyone else tries to replicate it. Bonus points if they carry this thing all the way to Secret Invasion, since Sam’s signature assertion that “You’re all weirdos” would make a more satisfying ending than the one that the show got in real life.
Iron Man: Gonzo
When you think “debonair ladies man with a head for business,” you think Gonzo the Great. It doesn’t hurt that Iron Man is basically just a guy who won’t stop blowing himself up and strapping himself to rockets to see how far he’ll go. Also, we’d get to cast Rizzo as Happy Hogan and Camilla as Pepper Potts, which just works for some reason.
Black Widow: Miss Piggy
Look, the early-days MCU and the Muppets are two worlds that aren’t exactly double stuffed with female characters. They don’t really lend themselves to clever non-male casting. Luckily, Black Widow and Piggy line up pretty effortlessly, and “Miss Piggy in an expensive outfit, getting in fist fights” isn’t much of a stretch, considering her usual vibe.
Hulk: Beaker
The secret here is having Doctor Bunsen Honeydew around to interpret for him most of the time. Highlights would include watching Beaker desperately trying to keep his heart rate down while he’s assured that the chemicals he’s being exposed to shouldn’t be harmful, and the line “That’s his secret, Captain. He’s always meemee.”
Captain America: Kermit the Frog
With the frontman charisma necessary to represent the team and two scoops of old-timey earnestness, Kermit is the best and only choice for Captain America. He’d probably even give notes on Rogers: The Musical. The guy just loves the theater.
Hawkeye: Pepe the Prawn
Full disclosure: Originally, Gonzo had the Hawkeye spot, on account of how he’d definitely come up with the best trick arrows and how you’d get the Camilla reveal when the team bunks down at his house in Age of Ultron. Two facts made it clear that this needed to change.
One, that Pepe is the only Muppet with the confidence to not only rock that haircut from Endgame, but to make you think “wow, he really thinks that owning a bow and arrow makes him a superhero, huh?”
Two, that you could just let Linda Cardellini reprise the role in Age of Ultron, since it feels like they’d make a great couple.
Thor: the Swedish Chef
This one’s mostly just profiling based on Scandinavian heritage and the fact that the Swedish Chef usually has a meat tenderizer.
Loki: Fozzie
Fozzie gets villain duties this time around, thanks to how great Loki’s speeches would be if they had more dad joke punchlines. Additionally, his fedora would look great with a pair of giant gold horns.
Agent Coulson: Clark Gregg
Every Muppet movie needs at least one human character, and it feels like Clark Gregg would be up for this. The cold stoicism would play well against his felt co-stars, especially when he gets all flustered talking to Kermit the Frog and wants to show him his trading cards.
Maria Hill: Sweetums
It’s embarrassing to admit, but there’s no deep reasoning to the idea of having Sweetums play Maria Hill. It would just be fun to see him in a skin tight unitard.
The World Security Council: Statler and Waldorf
“What an enormous bomb.”
“What, the one we’re dropping on New York?”
“No, this movie!”
“Oh ho ho ho!”
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